destined.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. -Psalm 23.

The other day, I was chatting with my brother. He wrote something like, mom went to hospital. The first thought came to my mind reading the sentence was actually some kind of intimidation. You know, that kind of scary creepy feeling crawling around my mind, why my mom went to the hospital, what had happened? And then I learned that a relative of mine passed away. For a moment, I actually felt relieved. It's not something happened on my mom. For the next moment, of course I mourned for the death of this relative. 

Most of my relatives went back to Sibu for the funeral. I got this chance skyping with so many relatives at one shot. Seeing the familiar faces, listening to the familiar voices, I see my eyes filled with tear. I miss them all. People asked, how are you doing? You know, it's this line which always gets everything mingled up. I'm really not that good. I don't like some of the people here. I don't like food here. I don't like drinking water here. I don't like lectures here. I'm gobbled up by hypocrisy. I am allergy to that certain words spoken by certain being. I am irritated by dishonest attitudes. I am not good enough to love people like how Jesus loves. I am not good enough to forgive people like how Jesus does. I am not good enough to endure hypocrisy and make myself believe that nothing had happened. I am not mighty enough to treat people as good after much irritation. I am not patient enough to bear with the tortoise-speed internet connection. 

And I am not courageous enough to tell people who love me about all those complaints. I don't want to see them fretting for me from the land far away. I remembered a lecturer talked about this. You complain to your loved ones about how bad you are doing. You get better some time later. But the people who love you so much, they are worried when they learn that you are not doing good. From the other side of the world, they couldn't eat well sleep well because you said you are not doing good. So, bear with the unpleasant accounts just a little bit more. It is just the course of time. At least, you convince your loved ones you are doing well.

I was looking at the pictures my lovely brothers and sisters took in church family camp. All lovely smiles, all familiar faces. I dearly miss them, man! How I wish I were there, be a part in the camp. I miss my church, I miss my dear brothers sisters in Christ, I miss my shepherds, I miss my media team people, I miss my Sunday school kids! Aw. But I thank God I found my belonged home here in United States. I am attending Bethel Christian Life Center Assemblies of God on Sundays. I am attending Chi Alpha International Life Group on Thursdays. I am attending Ignite (Chi Alpha Gathering) on Fridays. Thank You, Lord for this blessed town, for these faithful servants of Yours glorifying Your Kingdom in daily basis. Thank You, Lord for You have the best plan in store for me! 

不要随便去恨一个人，那是对自己的折磨。我们实在没有必要为了一个微不足道的人来折磨自己。你在恨的同时，也磨去了自己心中原有的善良和仁慈，你会觉得所有人都对不起你，你会看不到很多美好的东西。用你自己的原本快乐的心态与精力去交换恨一个人的权力与快感，不值得！-摘自网络。

说的很有道理厚？但是做起来似乎又是另一种说法。该怎么爱一个不可爱的人？爱就对了！爱他够够力！人的爱是不完全的。唯有神的爱是信实的，是永不改变的。主啊，教我以基督的心为心，以神的爱对待世界。主啊，让我领受从你而来的爱。把这份爱传出去。主啊，教我饶恕人的罪，就如你饶恕了我的罪。教我在每一件事上都向你举目仰望，教我活得更像你！

爱不爱，不都要爱，人本来就不完美。爱不爱，不都要爱，我们是那么谦卑。-吴建豪，命定。